Eddie’s Little Sister

In my dreams I’m screaming for my brother. The cry is so deep from me that I can feel it in reality. The heart breaking sob that happens as my chest caves finds me almost nightly when I sleep. When I’m awake though, I’m numb. My days continue like I’ve found some magical cure to the sadness and grief of losing him. I am an active participant in life, but I feel very little. My laughter is empty and my eyes just hold pain, but nobody notices. It’s so much easier for them not to.

My entire life and childhood vanished when he died. The future security I had of knowing I’d have him through the inevitable deaths of our parents was ripped away from me. Now I feel the inescapable weight that hangs over my head for when the time comes that I’m the only one left in my family. I have kids and a significant other and my extended family; but my core unit will be gone. That thought is unbearable.

Sisters are supposed to have their big brothers. I scream for him in my dreams and I wake up everyday to live with knowing he will never come back.